21.07.2011 Novi magazin 12

Parents are suffocating their children

Parents are suffocating their children
"It’s going to be as I say so and that’s final!", "I know what’s best!", "You will eat what I prepared and don’t you fantasize!", "I feed you, I dress you, so you have to listen to me!"– these are only some of the sentences most parents use when they talk to their children.

This kind of a relationship does not do any good for the development of these people if they want their children to be confident, to solve problem on their own and give up at every obstacle. 

Lack of a good communication and insufficient motivation to include the children in the decision process are problems that Serbia is still facing.

The results of a recent research “How do you live” of the Institute for statistics show that children from eight to 15 want to be treated more maturely, to participate more in the decision making at home and at school, but that there is little to no change in that area.

In the modern world the educational goal is a stable, confident, optimistic and a cooperative child with developed inner potentials. It is a child that is not highly obedient or disciplined, does not listen to every word you say, but is not rebellious, but willing to cooperate.

A HARD CHANGE OF HABITS: Why is it so difficult for parents to replace the sentences from the beginning of this text with: “Let’s make a deal…What do you think about this?...What do you want for dinner?”.

“Serbia is a society in a transition which is going from a socialistic regime into a democratic one and is gradually losing its power of authority. We still haven’t left the autocratic family in which the dominating figure that decides on everything is the father, and by that holds the full responsibility, but we haven’t reached the model of a democratic family where the responsibility is divided among all of the members of the family and where decisions are mutually made. 

It is noticeable that the mother has taken on herself a lot more burthen than she usually did in the past”, says a child psychiatrist and a psychoanalytic Oliver Vidojevic for Novi magazin.

He warns that the decision making carries a responsibility without which the parents couldn’t be able to ask their children to take responsibilities for their actions.

“You shouldn’t wait for the child to grow up in order to include it into decision making”, says Dragana Koruna from the Center for interactive pedagogy and adds that the children are always aware of themselves and that parents shouldn’t at any moment make decisions instead of them and without consulting them because that is how they become rebellious.

Of course, the level of inclusion should be in accordance with their age.

WHAT TO WEAR FOR THE KINDERGARTEN: Mother of a three-year-old Dijana (27) says “Every morning my daughter has an idea on what to wear for the kindergarten. We usually try to fulfill her wishes and make the best possible  combination from what she wants, and that is usually all pink, especially skirts, headbands or braids.

Even though dressing a child is not such a difficult task, it can last a while because it is followed by my persuasions and explanations on why is something better than other and vice versa. Sometimes it is simply not possible to have it her way”.

This mother respects the opinion of her child, but a lot of parents don’t intend to act that way because they don’t know that they need to or they just don’t have time for it.

Often mothers don’t even listen to their children, feed them when they are not hungry, don’t play with them and don’t talk to them, and don’t even ask them what they want to do. Often, in order to watch her favorite show, the mother turns on the computer so that her child doesn’t bother her.

„Parents are not ready to change their behavior. They don’t even ask their children about basic things”, says Koruga. The parent-child relationship often comes down to: “It will be as I say so and that is it!” which hurts the children who see in TV shows and movies that there is a different behavior and that the parents ask the kids “on the screen “what they want. 

The parents must also be willing to rate the child’s whimsy, draw a line and not allow the child to manipulate them. Constant indulging unables the children to have a real picture of the world around them, which can cause problems during their growth.

author: Anka Milošević source: Novi magazin
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